03:34:

figured this blog could use one of these. just to liven things up.

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03:29: 'cause with all the changes
you've been through
it seems the stranger's always you.
alone again in some new
wicked little town.
--- wicked little town (reprise), stephen trask

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05:20: i thought that knowing about your leaving would give me time to numb myself. i've had about half a year to get used to the thought of it, but that hasn't made it any easier.
maybe i need this. i'm in way over my head as it is. more time spent together will only mean a more painful goodbye.

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04:15: hahaha... você fá-lo todo parecer assim que uniforme real. mesmo este jogo que nós estamos jogando.
still not myself. ..or is this the real me? "the sky is falling" nga daw. so maybe it IS the real me. hope not. i don't like myself this way.

been distracting myself with contracts, letters and other forms of crappy paperwork. watching fun dance sequences and slow dances helps, though i keep wishing i could be slow dancing with someone (no one in particular). haha. my new toy also helps a lot. but waiting 3 days for prints is torture.

watched hedwig and the angry inch on hbo. i kinda like the music, despite its 80s punkish flavor. and i've discovered a new secret fantasy... i wanna play yitzak. hedwig's story is much more interesting, of course, but there's no way i could do that. geez, john cameron mitchell is prettier than i am, it's depressing! so i'll settle for yitzak.

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01:12: one quick hello, at the corner. one goodbye, halfway there. little by little, i'm learning.

tuwing kapiling lang kita,
ang mundo ko'y sumisigla
makulimlim man ang panahon,
buhay ang buhay ko ngayon
at 'di man kailanpaman ang ating samahan,
sarilihin ang pagkakataon
kaya pangsamantala, habang nandito pa,
tanggapin mo ang pag-ibig ko ngayon
---kailanpaman

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00:14: anyone who has known me as far back as high school knows that feb 17 hits me like a stake through the heart. i hate to admit it, but it does. it happened some 8 or 9 years ago, but it's dead now. and good riddance, too! i think an entire summer's worth of tears (no exaggeration here) and 5 years of pathetic stupidity was more than enough to kill that thing.
but the date does represent the curse. and while that first one is long gone, this more recent one is beginning to get out of hand.

what is it with me and this eagle-curse, anyway? i'm a snowy white owl, for crying out loud! an owl, representative of athena! dumb eagles... all they do is hunt. i really ought to stick to cows. moo...
i'm not making any sense, am i?

as far as feb 17s go, today was a good one.

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01:15: today, i heard about a dozen songs that you used to sing.
today, i passed by scores of places we used to go to.
today, a million still frames and scenes of you entered my head.

the worst part of it is, i never went looking for any of it. it just keeps happening.

how much more of this will i have to go through? and how much longer will we have before it all ends?

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02:56: i feel like there are two versions of me. the me that the world sees, and the me that i don't want the world to see. used to be, the second me would only come out when i'm by myself in my room or in front of this pc, taking control of the keyboard and pouring out through these entries. in the daytime, it stays in the back seat, wearing shades, watching as i go about my routine. now, it's the other way around. i feel as if the first me is in the background and the other me has taken the driver's seat. i move around mechanically, doing what needs to be done, all the while thinking of that which is lacking in my life.

ever felt like you can't go on much longer?
i can't do this...

your absence has gone through me
like thread through a needle.
everything i do is stitched with its color.
--- w. s. merwin

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23:57: methinks bringing gestapo boy into this whole thing was not such a good idea. it seems i now have more competition. hahaha.
i can be so selfish sometimes.

note to self: bring plenty of v-cut and dalandan soda to rehearsals to get on boss's good side, thereby avoiding another stand-in sexy-walk incident. hopefully.
oh, dear god, he's found a new toy.

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01:53:
and, no, sore eyes is not the sole cause for these tears.

as it turns out, i didn't need to ask. it has already begun.
uma semana e uma metade afastado? eu desejo-lhe... o mais melhor. você merece o mais melhor.

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00:47: i'm afraid to ask. afraid to hear what you might have to say. maybe if you never say it, i don't have to believe it and it will never happen.
so i just stood there. unmoving, but deeply moved.
it was all so much more than i ever expected.

when will i ever learn?

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03:20: é bastante que você é com mim cado noite em meus sonhos. de algum modo, nós compartilhamos ainda o tempo e o espaço, de mesmo se nós nos encontra mos com em um reino diferente. e embora aconteça somente em minha mente, é real bastante.

era toda real, uma vez.

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00:54: got my copy of tick, tick... BOOM!. and just in time for the end of my larson vigil, too!
shouldn't have brought it with me to school. i listened to it while i was on the road, and i started crying in the fx. hahahaha. ...damned songs. mental note: no larson when taking public transportation. a lot of it made me laugh, though. they even recorded a few semi-bloopers, including the part where the audience applauded prematurely in the middle of a song. kind of like a "slow-clap" moment at the wrong time. hahaha!

i went to mcdonald's yesterday and all cashiers were using this 60-second service guarantee timer-thingy. they were all panicky. hehehe... but it worked ok. got my order quickly, anyway. i guess it didn't work too well because they weren't using the timers today. aww.

wasted another day in school again. neither prof showed up for class. argh.

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01:15: no singapore, but we're going to sagada! 4-day, 4-night field trip. ooh... think of all the things we could find there... lying by the roadside... no pipeweed, nirvana says. but she said nothing about mushrooms for the little hobbitsesss...

unfortunately, that isn't likely to happen. not for me, anyway. the trip is scheduled on the play's production week.

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03:25: no, you're right. we shouldn't be reminded of being denied something we love. it's cruel.
i'm glad you understand that.

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14:09: they come every night now. always about you. me and you.
even then i cannot shake away the sadness. not when i know my happiness ends with the coming of the dawn.

i hate it when i get overly dramatic like this.

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