04:41: because it's 4:30am, because i have nothing good to say, because i've smoked too many cigs tonight, and because i miss elthoron


i was trying to sleep, hugging my pillow tight, when i felt srangely warmer, like someone had covered me with a soft, wool blanket...

flashback to you, a kiss and a hug with the kind of warmth and security only you can give.

i need to get out of the house.

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00:45: last night, i turned into miranda. particularly in this one episode where...
i won't even go there. i'm beginning to scare myself.

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22:04: entry from my old blog at fod

hang-over from the day i wore black

june 19, 1999. the day i lost my dad to cancer. he had been rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night some two days earlier. i never slept again after that. i guess in my mind i was thinking that if i didn't sleep, it would still be the same day and time would stop, and dad's condition wouldn't get any worse. naive of me, i know. but one has crazy hopes from time to time. i guess those times just happen more often for me.

i remember dad's last day. friday afternoon. my brothers skipped work, my sister was on leave, i had no friday classes that term. we were all there. all six of us kids. and mom. there weren't any bigger rooms available yet, so we had to leave the door to dad's room open and some of us stayed out in the hall because we couldn't all fit. i had to stay outside. i couldn't stand to see dad that way. i remember he couldn't blink and his eyes were starting to get dry. i remember when we all went out for lunch, he wouldn't let us leave. we promised we'd be right back, but he kept signaling for us to stay. we went anyway, and when we got back, his eyes were closed. he couldn't open them again. he was holding the servox... that thing he pressed against his throat that would enable him to talk. well, not really talk... he formed words and it gave him a voice. i don't know why he wouldn't let go of his servox. later on, i thought maybe it was like the kid in the cure with the sneaker... he just needed something physical to hold on to. something that would make him say "if i'm dead, why am i still holding this stupid old servox? i must still be alive..."
us kids had dinner then made plans that night. we were gonna have a bigger room by the next day, saturday, and we were gonna have a little celebration on sunday, our parents' 35th wedding anniversary. we were gonna bring in a stereo and play some big band and some old standards for dad. wev had an out of town gig and was leaving but would be back by sunday for our little party. we also started to make funeral plans since we didn't expect dad to last the rest of the coming week. i guess we expected too much.

my sister decided to stay over at the hospital with mom that night. mom called at around 2 or 3 something in the morning. she had a note of urgency in her voice. i ran to wev's room to tell him to get dressed. too late. he had left. i screamed for tunic. by then, i was dressed and ready. i called kizzi then paged wev and told him what mom told me and that we were on our way to the hospital. my throat was so dry, i drank around 4 glasses of water in a row. i waited outside. what was taking tunic so long? i lit a cigarette. what the hell was i doing smoking? always a bad sign. i finished it by the time tunic was out with the car. when we got to the hospital, i ran to the room. i was the first one there. mom and trina were saying a rosary. i touched dad's feet. icy cold. i thought to myself "he looks dead already.", i didn't know that they were just waiting for the rest of us to get there before they took him to the morgue.
wev had called and said he got my page. "why didn't he wait for me? he said he'd wait for me..." i never saw my brother as a kid until that moment.
by that time, i had numbed myself. maybe it was because i hadn't slept in over three days. maybe i just didn't want to face it yet. the pain never really hit until weeks and weeks later. i wish i could say it gets easier.

it's been 4 years. it hasn't gotten any easier.

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16:32: i'm not sure that i want to be there at big sky mind tonight. i don't want to see her. i don't know how things are going these days or if it's going at all. i don't know if the great big mess he made for himself has been cleaned up.

i am afraid of what i am capable of doing.

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00:11: this term is going to bore the hell out of me... even thesis isn't interesting. it's ambitious and i don't think we can pull it off. like i told the cad, the concept is too artsy... artsy means risky and when it isn't done well, it becomes pretentious and ...well, bad.

oh well...

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15:31: i realize my "hey you! yeah, you..." post might have caused some confusion. i apologize if it got you all thinking "me? is she talking about me? ...what did I do?"
the "you" i was referring to is you, RPMZ.

thanks a lot, pal.

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03:38: as if i didn't have enough on my mind with all this shit going on at home... i woke up the other day to 2 confrontational messages on my cel. it was early in the morning (early for me), my mind wasn't working, i lacked sleep and i didn't want to start my day with a fight. i ignored it.

tonight, i got home from a night out with a friend, saw that the confrontational texter online, and decided to clear everything up. but that didn't go too well.

hey, you! yeah, you. you know who you are.
are you reading this? why'd you go and tell her all that? that wasn't something she needed to know. ever heard of placating someone? i told you all that because you asked for an honest answer. i was HOPING that MAYBE you'd be good enough to keep it to yourself. nice move, dude.

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19:46: and when all the shows are done, and all the clouds have been wrecked, it's time to...
sleep.

that was a long 2 weeks. long and tiring, but some of it was fun. worth mentioning was the little shop of horrors showcase. it was, by far, the most entertaining playshop showcase i had ever seen. but then again, i'm partial to the material. plus, i did know the three leads.
speaking of which...

i am now a fan of the racketeer, thank you very much. i don't know what that class did to him over the summer, but that was not the same racketeer i knew onstage that night. that was... a man! whew. whattavoice. speaking voice, i mean. "feed me." oooh... talk to me, audrey 2, talk to me. wahahahahahahaha!!!!! but really, the racketeer did a great job as did scusi (never knew she was into performing) and ricky martin (did he really slip on purpose, i wonder?). definitely something i want to have a copy of. hogster, pa-burn ha.

the sing and dance showcase was also amusing. always entertaining to watch your old profs dance and sing. mamaM danced quite well. the music was great. tito bonggoy's son was part of the beginner's class. cutie. looks like brandon lee.
all of it kinda makes me miss being in playshop. being part of a class, i mean. hmm...

the phrase for the summer: "why does he have to be gay?" or in my case, "please, oh please, don't be gay..." haaay. di na kami nasanay.

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