02:25: just got home from hard rock. ibang klase talaga bumanat si etoile. i miss that voice. someone finally nailed separate lives. nala tried it before. tex tried it, too. but neither got it the way it was meant to be sung. and to think i don't even like that song!

i had a blast, even if we didn't get any seats. the place was so packed, i had my dinner standing up. dinner, by the way, was one beer. i didn't want to have to make my way through that crowd just to get to the bar for more beer. lucky me grabbed a free beer after the show, courtesy of biker boy. then grabbed a free ride home with etoile. nyahahahaha... fun to be a freeloader!

over dinner, we were talking about movies. all kinds of movies. great ones, good ones that you don't want to see again, scary ones, silly ones... fun.

i really should do that more often. hopefully, next thursday.

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18:24: excerpts from that other blog

been staying over at jersey's place the past week, working on props. whenever we'd take a break to sleep (or try to sleep, in my case), they'd comment "para kang nalugi." i'd just be sitting, leaning against the wall, with this blank and sad expression on my face. classic "the sky is falling" look. don't know who i was kidding... i am such a wreck. i miss *bleep*. and that's not all.

khali is getting married. the brother who, in the last decent conversation i had with him, he said "i don't think i'll ever get married. marriage is not for me." or something to that effect. i think i just officially hit pre-midlife crisis. i am the lone single yuloy. oh, and my sister might possibly be pregnant, by the way. so i'll be the lone single, childless yuloy. in fact, i'm the lone single person in my generation on the caranwe side! all my other cousins are either married, were married or will be married. shit.

i know i'm only 22 and i really shouldn't let this bug me or pressure me into anything. ...but come on! i'm 22! and i've never had a REAL relationship! so far, it's been two pseudo-relationships that were practically non-existent. i don't even know what the hell that was. it's so fucking sad!!

a friend was suggesting that perhaps i should do something about this guy that i like. but that has never gone well for me before. and i am just one big messy wreck right now. i need to figure things out first.

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18:04: i was a good girl. see? we can co-exist. as long as you stay away and don't bug me.

the gig at hard rock was fun. it helped a bit. malas ko lang that gaston watched. talk about the wrong person to see, given i had just called him earlier that day to turn down his showcase.

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18:44: as i've said before, summer has never been my favorite time of year. i'm left with my introspective, over-analyzing self. my body clock is still screwed, but no matter how hard i try to fix it, i can't. reading doesn't help. watching videos just gets me depressed, even if it's friends. especially if it's friends. i had hoped a buzz would help, but this stupid lip made it impossible for me to do that. i don't want to be left alone with my thoughts anymore.

know what i need? a dose of atlantis. something so crazy, all i can do is NOT think and just go with it.

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04:04: i look like angelina jolie minus the looks, the bod and the x-factor.
had a little accident and i hit my lower lip on the bathroom sink. so it's got these horrible looking clots and it's pretty swollen. hurts, too. now i feel the need to wear lipstick, except i hate wearing lipstick.

gonna start working on stuff for the other kids' showcases soon. hopefully that will suffice as a new distraction. otherwise, i'm bound to do some stupid spontaneous thing in a moment of weakness. please, no.

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02:41: watched hedwig and the angry inch again. found an interesting interview with john cameron mitchell on the net. apparently, yitzak's character really is a guy, secretly wanting to do drag. the only reason they had a girl do the part was to add to the androgynous mind-fuck of it all. well, that and they needed a girl to sing those notes, though i'm sure there are some plantesque male vocalists who could pull it off.


"...if you live in the real world, you know that one person cannot complete you, no matter how much you want it. ... But you never will, no matter how hard you hold onto someone, become one person. And is that useful to think about in the real world? Or why do we need heaven? We'll never know until it's over. It's like the yearning is more important than the possibility."

the yearning is more important than the possibility. hmm... though it has always been clear that my chances are almost always zero, knowing that still didn't stop the yearning.


"The myth [of the origin of love] was picked up by the gnostic Christians, who were really into this idea of the doppleganger and the 'other half,' being someone or something that has information you don't have. It's not necessary that you need to be with that someone forever..."

when i was younger, i never looked at the idea of soulmates in a romantic sense. i believe in soulmates, i just never thought of a soulmate as someone to be with forever. or maybe that's because i always believed your soulmate could be anyone, not just someone from the opposite sex. and of course, coming from a catholic school, it was instilled in me that the practice of homosexuality is wrong as wrong can be (see how damaging exclusive, catholic schools can be?), so that might have killed whatever notions i had of soulmates being romantic. which is why my relationship with my soulmate isn't romantic. just extremely special.


"...but it's necessary that Hedwig meets Tommy. Just because he's her other half doesn't mean that they're going to be together forever, nor should they be, but they need to meet. And it was necessary that she knew everyone in her life, to get to where she does: she's the sum of everyone she meets, rather than the idea that they took a piece [of her]."

that's a nice notion... i guess i'm that, too.

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19:19: no more food, please! home from the lunch we had for dad's birthday. we missed(?) khali's company. he had a gig in boracay, but his girl joined us. i so enjoy hanging out with my brothers. wish we could do that more often.

i've been averaging around 3 hours of sleep every night this week. mostly because i can't sleep or am too absorbed in the book i am currently reading. this morning i finished the script for the showcase. still needs work, i'm sure, but the rest shouldn't be too hard. writing for a group like this one involves so many restrictions; i couldn't write the way i normally do. i'm not very happy with what i've done, but it serves its purpose quite well. my boss did say she likes it. but it's too short. i'll incorporate more sequences tomorrow, when i meet the kids.

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