03:14: i had reached a point when i thought that none of it was real. i thought i had imagined it all. perhaps my drab life pushed me to go griffin and sabine.... but it was real, sometimes, whenever it wasn't a game.
since i haven't had much chance to go online, i haven't really written anything about what's been going on. i have no account of the mess that i have been these past months. i've been doing a fair job of keeping myself distracted with work and other things. but the show is over and i'm running out of places to hide. so here goes...
maybe you'll read this, if you care enough. but i doubt that you ever will.
i miss not being able to feel. i miss treating things like these as a joke. must be great not to care and to forget so easily. i wish i had even half of your callous nature. i wish that in the times that i had played it cool, i really did mean to be cold, and not just indifferent to make you think that i cared a lot less than i actually did and still do.
i don't know why it affects me. it shouldn't. there was nothing there. nothing substantial. i didn't lose you because you were never mine to begin with. but the sadness condenses into a physical form that drips and rolls down my cheeks.
in the short time that i "knew" you, you changed me. you had begun to draw out the person that i was always waiting to be. i am now back to my old self. perhaps i will never be that person i almost was. but it's good to know that i CAN be, should someone ever find the courage to take me there. you taught me that much. so, thank you, fox. and goodbye.
brewed by lifecafe
