04:30: have you ever had a really good dream? the kind that seemed so real, you wake up believing it really happened. then you're sorely disappointed when, some moments after you wake, you realize that none of it happened. you sort of wish you never woke up from the dream so you could keep believing it was real.
have you ever had a repressed memory come back to haunt you? it's the exact opposite of all that. it's dreamlike, a bit hazy. you think it's not real, but then you remember too much of it to know that it is. you wish none of it happened because it's just plain wrong and things like that shouldn't happen. but it did happen and you wish you could put it out of your mind entirely and erase every memory of it. there's a reason why these things are repressed, you know.
but i remember. little details... everything my five senses could take in. empty room, sunlight and shadow on the floor, rustling of the grass outside, the cold, the taste, the smell... and the name... the humiliation and confusion at being punished for something i did not fully understand. i must have been 4 years old, maybe a year younger or a year older. i didn't know any better. i was never warned. no one thought to warn me because no one wants to think that things like that really happen. except they do and they did.
my family knows, i think. they must know. but we never spoke of it. if we did talk about it, when i was younger, i no longer remember what was said.
i've never told anyone. it's the kind of thing you reserve for shrinks. maybe someday i'll tell my best friends. maybe i'll tell other people, if and when they need to know.
god, i am one screwed-up person.
i was kidding two days ago, but i'm not kidding now. i think i do need a shrink.
brewed by lifecafe
