01:47: another quiz from my friend

I taste like Bread. I am a staple in almost everyone's diet. Friends like me are a complement to any other friends I get on with almost everyone, remaining mostly in the background, but providing substance when it would otherwise be lacking. What Flavour Are You?

if i weren't bread, they said...

Cor blimey, I taste like Tea. I am a subtle flavour, quiet and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain. What Flavour Are You?

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06:43: toon's daughter, my new niece and hijada (i think), finally arrived at 04:12.

welcome, little sarah!

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13:04:
photo by m. koenig

this is my jet setting bunny on his trip to new york. isn't he cute? he is now back home in berlin, nursing a cold while trying to be superman.

get well soon, little bunny.

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00:24: it's creepy how you pick up on my vibe so quickly. and it frightens me a little how i think of you and get major butterflies.
or maybe that was just a side effect from the electric shock i got from my crappy, grounded headset.

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03:06: so it's curtain call and they do their bows. then she runs to the bed for that cute cast picture moment, and she trips.
yes, folks. she's human.

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23:54: i met the new mommyball yesterday. the change is quite noticeable. she seems so happy and ... enlightened. says she's going back to music and giving up production work. i'm glad that she's happy. but with my boss moving to kl and mommyball quitting, who's gonna take over for the upcoming productions? things are so very different with this current show being run by other people. i'm not exactly sure that i like it. i feel that there isn't much pakikisama between us and these new guys. but perhaps because of this new crew, there has been more familiarity (i'd even say sweetness) between bobby and us "veterans". now that's rather nice.

about that change in mommyball...
it's made me think about a lot of things. i've been pretty lost, i admit. at this point, other than staying in theatre, i don't know what i want. but i'm gonna figure it out. without having to go to some support group, hopefully. i'm giving myself two years. by then, i should be on the road i have chosen for myself, in a healthy relationship with whoever by my side. if that doesn't happen by my 26th birthday, i'm entering a convent. just kidding.

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22:28: today has got to be one of my worst days ever. i got to the train station and was waiting to get in. there were only 3 other guys in line ahead of me, so i figured i'd wait it out. besides, the guard at the station said it shouldn't take long. riiight. i waited nearly half an hour before giving up on the trains. i couldn't take a cab because i was broke, so i had to take a bus. oye! completely clueless, i took a chance on what bus to ride. oye... me, in a non-air conditioned bus, by myself, on the worst main road in metro manila. horrendous. i got to rehearsals nearly an hour late. after rehearsals, we packed, pulled out of the building, and moved to the theater. traumatized by the bus experience earlier on, i instructed the cabbie to stay away from edsa and navigated him through the back route to the theater. call me conyo, but i can only take so much tagalog in one day. by the time we got to the theater, it was nearly 9pm, and my head hurt like hell. with what little was left in my wallet, i headed for home in a cab that rode like a damn pop car. if i hadn't been so tired, i'd have probably thrown up.
i'm gonna sleep now.

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06:32: i missed a show at rehearsals last tuesday. someone forgot to put on a certain costume for his quick change and he ended up stripping down to his underwear. poor guy... they wouldn't let it go the whole day at sitzprobe.

sitzprobe went well. the orchestra is fabulous! gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. i can't wait to move into the theater.

more and more i find myself smitten by the irishman. it must be how well his voice complements lizzie's. or that solo of his. no, i think it's the whole rocker-who-can-do-west-end voice. or maybe it's the quiet, sometimes playful, sometimes dead pan personality. i think it might be the doc martens. yup. that must be it. it's the boots. aww, hell. ang cute nya.

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01:18: i don't remember myself ever being this much of a schizoid. i'm laughing one second and crying the next. i'm beginning to genuinely scare myself now.

i had already locked the door, but i think i had hope in knowing he still had a key. now they've thrown away the key, too. nail's in the coffin. i guess that's that.

now i know for sure that i am never going to hear from him again. i have to get used to that. and i have to get used to hearing those songs every night. and i have to try not to cry every damn show.

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04:56: in 4 days, we'll be doing sitzprobe*. in less than a week, we'll be moving into the theater. in ten days or so, we'll be running in front of an audience. geez, where did all the time go? we haven't even gotten over the giggles in the funny scenes.

tomorrow (or later, i should say) i'm dropping by the office to dig up some wigs and fake breasts. yep. fake breasts. i remember seeing them in a box among the other things in the office and wondering what they were doing there. i figured maybe someone used them for drag one halloween or on some random saturday night at malate. heheh.


*sitzprobe is the first rehearsal with both the full cast and the full orchestra, usually done in a studio

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06:13: what happened to this kid? she is my eldest niece. ahem. i mean, first cousin once removed. the age gap between us is just a tad bigger than the difference between me and wev, and a lot smaller than that between me and any of my caranwe cousins. for a time, she was my shadow and i guess i somewhat influenced her formative years. now, where oh where did i go wrong? if it weren't for all the cursing in there, i'd have thought it was someone else's writing.
nitwit! i mean, witnit! tone it down, would you? and where on earth did you pick up that "kaka-" language? i'm seeing it on the screen, but i just can't picture you saying it out loud.

having said that, we MUST have that wilson weekend soon.

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07:21: didn't go to rehearsals this week. i haven't been feeling well. that and the idea of a camera crew going around during rehearsals didn't exactly appeal to me. i did go last thursday, just to leave something at the studio then kill time at rehearsals. they were blocking patterns. i think it was the first time i ever saw bobby do an initial run and have absolutely no changes done afterwards. what can i say? it's things like that that show you why the woman who ages backwards is who she is. she was terrific. it was beautiful. i very nearly cried.

when i saw miller at the studio that day, he said that i looked different. i said it was that i had lost some weight. he said it was more than that. like i had some sort of aura. like i seemed happy.

happy?!?
if i hadn't been so sad, i'd have laughed out loud.

why was/am i sad? i don't know. all i know is that i'm not happy. and i haven't been genuinely happy since a year ago, when that whole thing had just started and we were living without fear. going to the beach, having fitz, playing ultimate, working on a new show, days with e., it's all great. put 'em all together and it still doesn't come close to what i had a year ago.
but if being that happy spells another drastic crash, would it be worth it?


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