06:39: about a week ago, i dreamt about his wedding. i didn't go to the ceremony. i'm not sure if they'll even be having a ceremony. but i went to the reception. except i wasn't really invited, so i was just somewhere in the vicinity, sneaking, sort of. i don't know why i was there.
although he told me about it years before, before he even told his own family, it never really sunk in. it finally hit me after that dream. he's getting married. all this time that i've known about his plans to marry someone else, i've never quite known how to feel about it. and i still don't know how to feel about it. all i can say is ... wow. he's really doing it.
bitter little girl and i were talking about love song for a vampire and she said "why don't you sing that for the wedding?" the song is beautiful but extremely obsessive and kind of sad. for me to sing it at my ex-boyfriend's wedding would be a bit much, don't you think?
apparently, she meant my own wedding, whenever the hell that will be. d'oh! obviously, there are issues there that were never really addressed.
i spent yesterday babysitting yuki, shubo and kohei, shubo's friend. they had just arrived from japan. the others had wedding errands to run and since the young ones wanted to go to the mall and only yuki can kind of get by with her english, i stayed with them while they grabbed a snack and did their shopping. i finally met shubo. i remember seeing pictures of him when we were younger. i always found him cute. he's cuter now. very cute, in fact. after shopping and dinner, i stayed at the house and waited for our driver to come pick me up.
at the house, he asked me to go to his wedding.
how weird is that?
or perhaps i should not find that so odd. after all, i have known their family for more than half of my life. they're my second family. i've spent birthdays, christmases, new years celebrations and countless other non-events with them. the invitation, like a lot of other things he says, was more of a statement, not a question.
sigh.
much as i am trying to simplify my life these days by avoiding drama, opportunities for drama seem to hunt me down. i wanted to say no. i really wanted to say no. going to your ex's wedding is just too damn awkward.
but i want him to feel that i know how big of a deal this is, in spite of bitter little girl's disinterest in the whole matter, and i want to show my support my being there. at the same time, i also wanted to show him that i'm not affected by officially losing him. although that last bit is subject to debate. i think that maybe a part of me still cannot believe that he's really going through with it and i think that part of me needs some form of closure.
at the end of the night, i said ok.
am i doing the right thing here? can i really do this?
brewed by lifecafe
