17:16: this will be cryptic and emo. sorry.

i wish i had all the answers. i wish i wouldn't have to see my friends hurting this way. i wish i had all the words to make things right. but all i can go by is my own experience, and what's that? nothing.

i keep saying, "hang in there." i keep encouraging people to keep fighting. we're all just going on nothing but the belief that things will all work out right somehow. and i feel like such a hypocrite, telling others to fight and to never give up when i myself am on the verge of giving up everything that makes me happy.
how do you hold on to hope when everything around you is falling apart? what do you do when that which makes you happiest is also that which brings you the most pain? in that way, i understand why someone would choose to end something so good. but although i understand it, i still feel that it isn't the best course of action. not for them. not with this.

as for my own actions on my own dilemma... i haven't decided what to do. if tonight brings an opportunity, then i'll take it.

Labels: little nothings

 
17:14: finished training for my new post today. welcome to hell, one of the older guys said. indeed. i managed to ace the first exam and got a fairly good score on the second exam, considering it was pretty tricky and i had no idea what i was doing. some of my batchmates will hit the floor tomorrow for a-bay. i get to go back to work on thursday?, 11am eastern. too tired to think of what day that actually is, but i think that means i get tonight and tomorrow to rest, then come back on midnight of friday. i know i should study all my new documents while i'm off from work, but i just started watching an old cartoon yesterday, something i tried to follow on axn when i was back in college. now i'm re-hooked. slam dunk is calling me. tempting. i even bought a bar of hershey's special dark chocolate (to celebrate oficially getting into t02!) and a stock of bread pan for my marathon.

speaking of tempations...
it's sneaky how these caterers serve pork sisig on ash wednesday. i mean, when you're at work, you don't really bother to make a note of what day it is. and when you see sisig and chicken adobo and beef being served for lunch (which is free at our office), there's just no way you're gonna say no to that. next thing you know, your plate is empty and you're saying "ash what now? oh, shi-!!" evil, these catering people.

Labels: manga and anime, tv, updates

 
23:11: i'm still trying to get my mind wrapped around the idea of change. i'm not oppossed to change per se, but let's just say this change isn't something i welcomed or was expecting. what is it that's so attractive about the status quo? maybe i should just start listening to larson's music again.

picture this: you find yourself on the edge of a cliff with a body of water at the bottom. you know you can make the jump, but you're not overly fond of swimming. you also know you have to swim to get out of the area. not taking the jump and going back the way you came would be safe. besides, you like the woods. but it may take ages to find your way out. do you jump?

i took the leap. i'm in the water. here's hoping i don't drown.

Labels: little nothings, updates

 
17:24: got my final interview scheduled for the trainer spot tomorrow at 5am. nervous.
got something else i'm working on. it's a struggle that i shouldn't even start, specially when i'm so ambivalent about everything right now.
then there's that other thing that i can't do much about, but occupies my thoughts way too much.
i'm fighting three losing battles.

i've been getting the strangest dreams. in one of them, a friend of mine gave me some advice. except that it didn't really sound like advice... it sounded like a prediction made with complete confidence and a certain finality. i don't see that coming true, and i don't want to think of the consequences if it did.
in my dream last night, i was with a stranger who was helping me. i was walking to work (i don't know why i was walking at such a late hour, what with our neighborhood being so creepy) and i started getting leg cramps. the stranger was walking with me to work (i don't know why) and helped me to get rid of my leg cramps (i actually was getting leg cramps from standing and walking around so much when i was in tagaytay over the weekend). there was something else... i'm not sure what it was, but it had something to do with a misconception that the strager had about me, and i didn't know how to clear it up. being with the stranger was oddly comforting, somehow. i don't know what any of it meant. dream interpretations, anyone?

Labels: little nothings, updates

 
17:15: preliminary interview this morning, finally! wanted to go home after. was seriously considering going on e-out when it was offered coz i keep feeling something is ... off? can't explain it. something just doesn't feel right this week.

on the upside, while i was sitting on the xbox live bay at the start of my shift (because outsiders keep occupying our team's bay), i got to play fifa 07. not the full game, though. we only have the demo game from the live marketplace, but that was good enough. i was using barcelona against manchester united. my first time playing, so the guy from live kicked my ass, but it was fun anyway. using ronaldinho is awesome. also, i can't wait till they release guitar hero ii for the 360! i'll be in the game lab on most days after shift, for sure.

Labels: football, gaming, updates

 
17:01: still waiting for any kind of update on our application. three of us are up for it (that i know of). myself, my teammate, and one of our veteran tier 2's. no word from the training team so far. for someone who likes to be quiet, i sure hate silence at times like these. jeez. say yes, say no, say you've decided to go with someone else, but say SOMETHING.

Labels: little nothings