04:17: if i had the means, i would sing you this song, in front of a crowd if i have to. and i would mean every word of it.


love i get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when i want to run away
i drive off in my car
but whichever way i go
i come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
i reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
i am complete
in your eyes
i see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
i see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, i want to be that complete
i want to touch the light
the heat i see in your eyes

love, i don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
i get so tired of working so hard for our survival
i look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
i reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
i am complete
in your eyes
i see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
i see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, i want to be that complete
i want to touch the light,
the heat i see in your eyes


--- in your eyes by peter gabriel

Labels: little nothings

 
15:18: sharing snippets of a chat log from facebook. i was chatting with with an old agent of ours who recently moved to my old company, s***. they recently acquired my old account, hence the reason why our competitor, a**, lost the account here in manila, and also why so many people are leaving our clark site to move to s*** instead.

2:42pm him
im tryna do mah best now so i could apply for product trainer

2:43pm me
haha... go! ;)

2:44pm him
u think that i can do it?

2:46pm me
yeah, why not?

2:47pm him
yeah..thanks!! :D

2:47pm me
just do well and prove yourself, then you're sure to catch the eye of the s*** guys

2:47pm him
yeah..and i intend to!!..

3:03pm him
do u know ****** ***** from wave 8?

3:04pm me
i don't remember

maybe if i seem him

he's there, too?

3:05pm him
yeah..he's our product trainer now..

3:05pm me
oh

he doing ok so far?

3:06pm him
yeah..he's good..but he doesnt compare to u or bogs

3:06pm me
you don't need to suck up to us anymore, **

hahahaha

3:07pm him
u both were mah inspiration to be a product trainer..

and the trainers over at s*** cant compare to u guys..

3:08pm me
awww.. that's sweet

show 'em, then

3:09pm him
thas why i wanna be a product trainer over there and show them wat u guys taught me!!..and imma make the training really really fun like u guys made it..

consider it done!!..

3:09pm me
go for that post and kick their asses in training =P

3:10pm him
the training assisant manager for **** already told me to apply for training apprentice once i hit the floor!!..

3:10pm me
nice!

wala lang. nakakataba ng puso. sean was right. trainers do touch a lot of people. (no, not in that way, you sick freaks.) that's one of the reasons why i want to keep training. as far as "regular" jobs go, it's the only thing i can see myself doing.

Labels: little nothings

 
11:37: to you who drove me to insanity for a period of two years,

thank you for saving my sanity today.

Labels: little nothings

 
07:17: when i'm exhausted like this, it helps to be able to verbalize positive feelings. and this is about the only positive thing i have right now.

i've spent most of my life being in love with people who didn't know it. one of the things i love about our honest and open relationship is the fact that i can tell you i love you. the fact that i can express what i feel and really have you know it is such a huge help. breakfast with you at the end of draining day is enough to keep me going. you're my happy pill.

Labels: little nothings

 
19:33: i got to chat with my former boss this weekend. he wanted to put my french to the test, so he asked me to translate something for him: the string of curses the merovingian said in the restaurant scene in matrix reloaded. he didn't have the text*, so he asked me to remember him the next time i see the film, then tell him what all that meant. so i decided to do a marathon over the weekend.

i still find the movies mind-blowing. especially the first one. i mean the idea, the cinematography, the editing, the effects, the design... all of it was groundbreaking. i remember missing it the first time it was released. surprisingly, they brought it back in the theaters. after watching it the matrix for the first time in g4, i left the theater with a headache. partly because of the fact that we were so close to the screen, partly because of the awesome cinematography and sfx, mostly because of the story. i walked out of the theater shaking my head, thinking, "no... no... it's not true!" yeah, i'm strictly a blue pill person. hahaha!
matrix reloaded was great, too. when it first came out, people were scrambling to get a transcript of that whole scene with the architect, hoping to digest everything that was said in the scene. watching it again helped me gain a better understanding of certain things. the things that i found stupid when i first watched it now made perfect sense. maybe because i'm a different person now.
i have to say that although still good, my least favorite was matrix revolutions, being that it was more action, less talk. brilliant idea to have that fight scene in the rain, though. and like bitter little girl and i had said before, the ending was fitting.

watching the matrix movies made me think of college days. we had a cinematography class where we were asked to pick out a scene/shot from a movie and talk about why we liked it. a lot of people from my class used stuff from the matrix. bullet time, and all that. brilliant stuff, but i found them to be typical and obvious choices for the assignment. i chose something from three kings. not a favorite movie of mine, but i remember this one shot that i really liked. newton thomas sigel does have his moments of brilliance.

i have to say, studying stuff like this took the joy out of watching films. i remember not being able to watch something without criticizing all the elements. i've learned to turn that off, thankfully. watching the matrix movies turned it back on, and it's good to know that i haven't lost that eye. it can be a useful thing, when you're out to annoy other movie-goers. hehehe.


*nom de dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard d'enculé de ta mère

Labels: little nothings, movies

 
12:14: when i watched the show (the 25th annual putnam county spelling bee) on saturday, the guest speller from the audience was this girl. i was a little disappointed. i had wanted pao to guest, but we didn't get there early enough. after curtain call, they called the girl back on stage, saying some "expert" wanted to clarify some word that was used earlier, or some such. then this guy goes up on stage. he says to her: "your word is: 'marry.' (forgot the length of time specified), i saw you and you took my heart." or something like that. then he started to pull out something from his pocket. he said that his father gave that ring to his mother, and then gave it to him for him to give to hs future wife. he said that he wished she could give it to their children 20 years from now. i don't remember what else was said. girls in the audience kept squealing and going "awwwww...." the girl said yes. they kissed. kinda not nice, but i'm sure it's coz he was overcome with emotions.
i would hate that, though. i mean a gesture like that is great. but i do hate attention. and can you imagine... what if she really didn't want to marry him? how could she say no in front of 300 people?? that's just too much pressure for one girl.
still, i understand why the guy chose to do things that way. they apparently met there, during a run of avenue q. they sat beside each other. they even took the same seats on saturday. sweet. senimental. depressing. but it's nice to know that things like that really do happen. fate. love at first sight. grand gestures. it happens for some people, anyway. seems to me like i'm always doing grand gestures but never getting anything. it's funny how i jump through so many hoops for certain people and how it takes so little for them to make me positively happy, and yet i have such few happy moments.

Labels: little nothings, theatre

 
06:09: on msn today:



duh. that was obvious even from his first audition on idol.

Labels: little nothings, tv

 
18:08: the feeling of waking up from a good dream... i haven't had that in a while. in this dream, you stay with me. awkward at first, like an overgrown child on an adult's knee, but later in perfect comfort and security. once again, i have you in my arms. i know it won't last for long, so while the moment is perfect, i tell you i love you in that tongue that we share. i expect no answer from you. i never do. but after a pause, you concede and tell me you love me too, surprising me with a certainty and conviction that i had never seen before. i lean in and we kiss. my heart swells. in the real world, you will never understand how much i love you. but in this dream, in this moment, you do. in this moment, you are mine. in this moment, there are no doubts, no jealousy, only you and me, truly together. then the scene shifts into something strange, like a flashback from a childhood that never played out. i wake up. the perfect moment is over. but my heart is still smiling that same smile it does whenever you hold my hand in the middle of a crowd. i miss you.

Labels: little nothings

 
05:37: i've always been the type of person who believes in signs. it's silly, but i do. last weekend, i lost something very important to me. i got it back the next day and thought nothing of it. i did not think of it as a sign, merely an unfortunate incident that could have gone worse. the following day, i lost something else. it was not as important to me but it was valuable, none the less. again, i thought nothing of it. just an unfortunate incident. it was no big loss. yesterady, that first thing that i lost, that valuable and important thing, died on me. died.

so, ok, i'm listening now, universe. you have my attention, although i do not like what you're saying. still... i believe in signs. if that's what it comes to, then that's what i have to do. maybe this was meant to happen a long time ago and i just tried too hard to fight it. i guess the difference is, i'm tired of trying now. i've been trying for so long, and i never get anything back. i've practically bled myself dry and my efforts are always wasted. i have nothing left. so maybe it really is time. i give up.

Labels: little nothings

 
01:14: yes, yes, i know. i haven't posted in over a year. so why the hell am i writing again? i don't know. i've kept silent for so long, i'd forgotten what i sounded like.

oh, if i could talk/write in detail about everything that happened while i was away from this beloved blog... but that would take way too long. here's 15 months in one breath: i got the job i wanted, moved out of town, missed home and certain people like mad, got sick and also got sick of being away from home, went back home, and here i am.

trips of note in said 15 months:
1.) trip to pagudpud >> on my own, i traveled for more than half a day on the road. 3 bus rides, 1 tricycle ride, no food, and a cell phone that died before i could get clear directions. wanted to kill my friends when i found out they brought a frickin' van with them and drove in a fraction of the time it took me to get there.
2.) allan's team building at crystal beach >> the same weekend this huge storm hit the area.
3.) tech lead outing zambales >> no sleep at all for 3 days and 2 nights + little food in my tummy + neil handing me endless shots of alcohol because everyone else had stopped drinking = the end of what was once a well-kept secret
4.) xvgts @ redmond >> went to the states for a training summit with the whole team (+ x - les) and got fat on 3 cans of soda, mostly dr. peppers, a day.

there were other noteworthy incidents in the past 15 months, of course, but i will not mention them in this blog. hah! and you thought i would spill dirt....

Labels: little nothings, trips and long weekends, updates

 
12:47: i don't like the way i gravitate towards you. i don't like how distracted i get when you're around. and i hate, hate, hate, hate, hate how this is wrong.

baaaaad, lifey. baaaaad.

Labels: little nothings

 
17:16: this will be cryptic and emo. sorry.

i wish i had all the answers. i wish i wouldn't have to see my friends hurting this way. i wish i had all the words to make things right. but all i can go by is my own experience, and what's that? nothing.

i keep saying, "hang in there." i keep encouraging people to keep fighting. we're all just going on nothing but the belief that things will all work out right somehow. and i feel like such a hypocrite, telling others to fight and to never give up when i myself am on the verge of giving up everything that makes me happy.
how do you hold on to hope when everything around you is falling apart? what do you do when that which makes you happiest is also that which brings you the most pain? in that way, i understand why someone would choose to end something so good. but although i understand it, i still feel that it isn't the best course of action. not for them. not with this.

as for my own actions on my own dilemma... i haven't decided what to do. if tonight brings an opportunity, then i'll take it.

Labels: little nothings

 
23:11: i'm still trying to get my mind wrapped around the idea of change. i'm not oppossed to change per se, but let's just say this change isn't something i welcomed or was expecting. what is it that's so attractive about the status quo? maybe i should just start listening to larson's music again.

picture this: you find yourself on the edge of a cliff with a body of water at the bottom. you know you can make the jump, but you're not overly fond of swimming. you also know you have to swim to get out of the area. not taking the jump and going back the way you came would be safe. besides, you like the woods. but it may take ages to find your way out. do you jump?

i took the leap. i'm in the water. here's hoping i don't drown.

Labels: little nothings, updates

 
17:24: got my final interview scheduled for the trainer spot tomorrow at 5am. nervous.
got something else i'm working on. it's a struggle that i shouldn't even start, specially when i'm so ambivalent about everything right now.
then there's that other thing that i can't do much about, but occupies my thoughts way too much.
i'm fighting three losing battles.

i've been getting the strangest dreams. in one of them, a friend of mine gave me some advice. except that it didn't really sound like advice... it sounded like a prediction made with complete confidence and a certain finality. i don't see that coming true, and i don't want to think of the consequences if it did.
in my dream last night, i was with a stranger who was helping me. i was walking to work (i don't know why i was walking at such a late hour, what with our neighborhood being so creepy) and i started getting leg cramps. the stranger was walking with me to work (i don't know why) and helped me to get rid of my leg cramps (i actually was getting leg cramps from standing and walking around so much when i was in tagaytay over the weekend). there was something else... i'm not sure what it was, but it had something to do with a misconception that the strager had about me, and i didn't know how to clear it up. being with the stranger was oddly comforting, somehow. i don't know what any of it meant. dream interpretations, anyone?

Labels: little nothings, updates

 
17:01: still waiting for any kind of update on our application. three of us are up for it (that i know of). myself, my teammate, and one of our veteran tier 2's. no word from the training team so far. for someone who likes to be quiet, i sure hate silence at times like these. jeez. say yes, say no, say you've decided to go with someone else, but say SOMETHING.

Labels: little nothings

 
23:59: by far, my worst birthday ever. couldn't even sleep, so i had to ask my brother for sleeping pills.
year of pain, i said. sounds like i was right.
thank you for all the birthday greetings, friends. they made me feel loved somehow.

Labels: little nothings, updates

 
16:58: this will be a year of pain for me.
shut up. don't contradict me.
i forgot how many times i got hurt yesterday. cut myself on new year's eve, hit my head in the cab yesterday, keep hitting my wound, got caught on the cupboard, got my toes stepped on by japanese wooden slippers (chrissake!!)... 2007 equals pain.

Labels: little nothings

 
12:50:

 
09:58: i've changed, i think. i rather like the change, too. i've noticed that i've come to adapt a cooler demeanour. there are other things i still need to develop, as advised by certain parties, but i'm working on it.

lately i've had flags popping up all around me. i feel like everything is falling into place and that forces are pushing me to do something. but it's frightening to put so much weight on something so uncertain and uncontrolled, and something that can be taken so lightly. there are just too many things that could go wrong.
or is that the point of it all? that the impossibility of it is, in effect, the test?

i'm being strange, i know. i think all that time i spent with my crazy friends from work is going to my head.

whatever. happy new year!

Labels: little nothings

 
20:53: last-minute christmas shopping yet again. i've just spent about four grand on gifts for my nephew, nieces, and my "baby" for our family kris kringle. haven't done shopping for my friends yet. gotta wait for my pay to come in before i do that. for now, i must be off to bed to recharge for work tomorrow.

i'm dead tired and sleep-deprived crankiness should be kicking in by now, but i'm still pretty darn happy. some days just can't be ruined when you've got happy thoughts, i guess. =D i dunno. maybe it's infectious.

Labels: little nothings